Thursday, September 26, 2013

If This Isn't Hell...


Well...um...what year is it? Serious question.

Whatthewhat...I just looked at the little dashboard thingy on my computer. Again...whatthewhat. It appears that it's been over a year. A lot over. So yeah...I'm kinda freaking out here, and I'll bet you're completely lost...sorry about that. Just trying to figure this out.

Lets back up about a year. It was roughly a week after you last heard from me. I had posted about my attempt at hibernation if you forgot. Anyways, feeling refreshed, and incredibly bored, I began to devise a new scheme. One that would blow my past plans of hotdog cart theft completely out of the water, my toilet flushing, though genius, was little to nothing in comparison. This. This would be the deed of ages. World leaders would hunt me down, I might even m
ake a few international hit lists. This plan was so diabolical that I legitimately have difficultly remembering what it was so give me a minute here.
Right. Evil plan. I just reviewed my notes, to paraphrase, by evil plot was to attempt to unleash the hoard of Hell, bend them to my will, and use their power to enslave humanity. One of those steps went horribly wrong.
Now, fortunately that step was not bending them to my will...that could have been pretty bad. Remember kids, black magic is no joke. And the spirits don't appreciate you taking it as such. But, I digress, my plan went awry in this manner: Hell is not nearly as accessible as the Black Book seemed to indicate. In fact, I question whether or not the Black Book was even the book that I was looking for. To be honest I don't remember anything past posting my last blog post. Everything here is being gathered from my notes. Which fortunately are highly detailed and neatly written...except for the one part. But it's easy to tell that it's just "Hell" ...erm, or "Help" One of the two. Either way. I used a lot of exclamation points so it's easy to assume that it was pretty intense.
But as I was saying. I never opened Hell. Looking through the Black Book now, I don't even know why I assumed that it would do that. It's not even loosely pertaining to that. Although, there is a lot of mention of "hellish" and "like hell" I can see where I would have messed up.
Either way, what it looks like I was doing was opening a portal of sorts. And then going through the portal. According to my notes I have kept the portal perpetually open since I left, but at a low power level. Only so much to allow my laptop to connect with my router at home for the purpose of keeping this blog updated. Beyond that my notes end. I am currently it a dark, musty smelling cave. Roots are growing through the walls in a manner that makes me assume I am directly beneath a large tree...Hold up. I hear something. Let me go check it out.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Man Hibernates for a Week (Blog Post of Evil #15)


Me oh my…It's been a while hasn't it? Well, I have a very good explanation, so let me go ahead and give my excuses and then I'll continue with my evil ploys. 
So the last few days I've been feeling somewhat stressed and have been having a hideous lack of ideas, this led me to attempting to hibernate. I spent Monday eating as much as physically possible and then I simply laid in bed for the next five days…I just got up this morning. Honestly I don't see what the bears like about it, I couldn't manage to sleep the whole time and I ended spending most of it staring at the ceiling, but you live and learn. 
So now that you are fully updated as to my late actions I'll give you a quick update on some of the evil schemes I thought up while attempting to hibernate…You know, would the fact that it's not winter be any reason for hibernation not to work? I'll have to try this again later this year. Anywho, back to the evil ploys. Firstly I got a fairly genius idea to steal all of those hot dog stands around town, but I dismissed that one because it turns out my fridge can only hold up to a few hundred hot dogs, and I'd need a lot more room. Plus what would I do with all the carts? So next I set my sights a bit higher, this time to conquering the city by means of continually flushing all of the cities toilets remotely until they're forced to give me control…but I'm not even sure why I thought that might work. Also it turns out that when I tried it on my own toilet it ended up exploding…So I quickly abandoned that one.
Thinking of a genius idea to impress the league has been much more difficult then I thought it would be…It has to be something with a lot of pizzazz and stuff, hmm, give me some time though! I'll get it going. 
Also as a side note I should be posting more regularly now that I'm done hibernating.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Belated Lists (Blog Post of Evil #14)


It has been a long time my friends, they say evil never rests…but apparently that's not true. I've been very caught up with something that involves a lot of time and crayons…it may or may not related to my next evil scheme. 
Anyways, hopfully I'll find the time to post about my evil deeds more often. Been busy, you know…life of crime. Anyways, here's a quick update of my life since we last spoke.

Outline of pretty much every say since then:

Get up

Eat

Crayon related activity

Plot

Practice yodeling

Plot

Crayons

Eat

Learn Irish jig

Snack

Plot

Implement plot

Crayons

Eat

Sleep

Rinse

Repeat

So yeah, that's been exciting. On the bright side I managed to get my neighbor to move away due to my yodeling; so I feel like I've done my evil deed.
Other acts of evil done since then include but are not limited to:

Laughing at old people.

Tapping the glass on fish tanks.

Creating an anti-matter beam and using it to disintegrate my neighbor's TV…and possibly cat.

Not wearing a seatbelt.

Cutting in lines.

Conducting human experiments…i.e. Tripping people in the mall.

Watching Twilight.

And that's been my life since then. I have an incredibly evil act in the makings, so stay tuned! This time I'll get into the league. I know it.

E. Wikkins

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I Found Hope in a Platypus Filled Place (Blog Post of Evil #13)


Hello again, 

The last few days have been sort of miserable. I've been sitting in my laboratory, planning on plotting but ending up just stareing listlessly at the wall. Ever since my abysmal failure with the Bumbly Tower I've been in a sort of funk. Not quite sure what to do. I'm sure that the League of Violent Evil has pretty much given up on me. Maybe I should go back to being a pharmacist…
One minute, I just heard a knock on my door, pardon me while I take my sorrowful corpse over there.

Hmm, strange, It's from Tenacious Terry of the League of Violent Evil, I'm worried. But I suppose there's nothing for it but to read it…Here goes.

Dear E. Wikkins, Evil Schemer
We saw the massive hole that you put in the Bumbly Building, very impressive, however it did lack the pizzazz we wanted. Teleporting it into the sun would have been pretty cool, but you know, maybe a project for next time. While blasting a massive hole through a famous building was pretty cool, (the mimes were also a nice touch) I don't feel that we can accept you quite yet. However we have upgraded your status from "Evil Upstart" to "Evil Schemer" So technically you are moving up, but in reality we just made that rank up to make you feel better. Either way, you have a good start, now show us some true evil and we'll see about getting you into the league.
TT
This was the best news I'd heard since…well since I got their first letter. But they didn't know that I'd failed! They thought that that was my plan all along. I gave a participially exuberant evil laugh as my mind began to scheme up another plot. 
I spent the next few hours pacing my laboratory, and in case you haven't read my earlier blogs I pronounce "laboratory" with the extra syllable. It just makes it sound more villainous. Pronunciation aside, I need to think of something absolutely diabolical. Something that would blast the minds of the League of Violent Evil out of the metaphorical water. Getting every member of my city to worship me would be a step in the right direction, I mean, I've already managed to make them all watch mimes, how hard could it be? …But that's so boring…
I'll meditate on this one. No doubt I'll have something villainous by the next post, so until then, stay evil…I really need to think of something good to say at the end here…

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Call of the Platypus (Blog Post of Evil #12)


And this is it! I mean it this time…seriously. This will be the last one about the Bumbly Tower. Lets begin…right after I get some coffee and a bandaid…okay, now lets get going. 

Chuckling evilly, I aimed the ray. Within a few seconds everything was properly lined up and I was just about ready. I fired off the Distraction Ray of Doom, within seconds I could here the citizens walking off towards the park. I sat down in a lawn chair I'd brought up, as soon as everyone was properly distracted I would commence my nefarious plan. It was around ten or so minutes before I deemed everyone to be away. Snickering to myself, I got to my feet and walked towards my machine. But I was prevented. Standing between me and my key to victory was the only bandanna clad platypus I knew, Percy. 
"Percy! You're here, and you also happen to be standing exactly where I laid my trap!" I pulled a remote out of my pocket and hit the button in the middle. However, when I looked the cage that had opened up from the floor was completely empty. "Percy?" I asked, wondering where he'd gone.
From off to the left I heard a sort of growling noise…the call of the platypus. I looked, Percy had side stepped the cage, in retrospect I probably shouldn't have told him about it before trying to trap him. 
"It's to late Percy, give it up!" I rushed forward, determined to press that button. 
Percy leapt at me and landed a flying kick on the side of my head, for his size Percy was very dense, not something I quite expected, which was kinda sad since I'd been kicked by him many times before. I was thrown to the side of the roof, ten feet away from my machine.
Now, being the genius that I am I had installed several traps. Without a word to Percy I whipped a remote out of my pocket and hit the button sending my out Platypus Tracking Laser of Doom after the unfortunate Monotreme. 
The laser caught up to the semi-aquatic mammal and ensnared him in a cage made entirely out of light. I was quite proud of this invention, they work great for laundry bags, since they don't weigh anything and all. 
Percy gave an agitated growl. "Ha!"I sneered, "You're trapped now my little friend. Now, watch as I unfold to the world the magnitude of my evil!" Here I gave another maniacal laugh and hit another button on my remote, which triggered my weather control device to make lightening flash around me. It was a pretty neat effect.
I moved forward to hit the button, but suddenly I stopped. I sent had hit my nose, a sort of cheesy aroma. It was irresistible, which was strange because I'd never been a big fan of cheese. But I looked behind me to see Percy holding a fragrant slice of cheese. I don't know what had gotten into me…but I needed that cheese. I though back to what could have caused this, when I remembered that in my last blog post I'd fallen into some chemicals…that must've been it. 
I turned for a second to look at the button, it was so close. I had to hit it…but the cheese. I simply couldn't resist. I hit a button that released Percy, and then jumped him. We must've made an odd sight. A grown man wrestling a platypus to the ground for a piece of cheese. Despite Percy's disproportionate strength my new found passion for cheese was greater. I knocked the platypus to the ground and grabbed the little slice of heaven. Stuffing it into my mouth I rushed to the button, but Percy beat me. He stood triumphantly at top the machine, I then, ignoring all of my cheesy desires hurled the remainder of my slice at the furry creature. It was a perfect hit, right as he was stumbling I smacked my hand down on the button. There was a grumble and a roar as the machine fired into life. I laughed evilly, queuing the lightening again. I turned to walk off when the webbed foot of Percy knocked me to the ground. There was the sound of metal being ripped and a blinding flash of light as Percy tore frantically at the machine. 
"What are you doing?" I screamed, radiation was pouring out of the machine along with some sort of green slime. The last thing I remember was the sight of Percy leaping off of the building into the air as my Molecular Transport Ray of Doom imploded into a miniature black hole which swiftly sent itself into another dimension.
I woke up on the roof with a horrible head ache, and I'm almost certain I had a third arm (it fell off a few hours later) to my dismay out in the distance I could see the Bumbly Tower, or at least most of it. There was a large gapping hole in the middle, but aside from that it was all there. So I think it would be safe to say that Percy won this round. Now I need to think of something new before the League of Violent Evil finds out.

Until next time my friends.